I've been really bad at this blog thing lately.
To be honest, it's because I've been hiding.
Things have been a little weird around here for me. When we first came home from Uganda I was doing really well. Surprisingly so. I mean I had the usual jet lag and overall exhaustion that comes with spending almost a month in a third world country. And then I started feeling lousy again.
But to be honest, I was kind of in denial.
I didn't want to be feeling sickly again. And I certainly didn't want people to get all up in my koolaid about it (sorry, I'm a product of the 90s). I saw my doctor again - actually a couple of doctors - just to see what to do because we were kind of at a loss. My primary care doctor had washed his hands of me back in May. So I turned to the homeopathic doctor I've been seeing. I love going there so much. There are only a few doctors that I feel actually care about seeing me get better, and she's one of them. And do you know what she told me? "It's going to take patience."
To be honest, I didn't like that. I'm not patient enough for patience.
Then I talked to my chiropractor, who is the one who gives me the best answers about anything. He said this virus is having a hard time leaving my body, and it may just take some more time.
But to be honest, they're both right. At the core of every problem we face in life, doesn't patience play a role? Are we not, by very nature, hurriers at heart? We make all these plans for our lives, so naturally when something happens don't we start to panic as we look for a way to get out of the mess we're in?
And do you notice that patience never travels alone? It always brings along trust. Because when you're being patient you often have to trust in God's bigger plan. And that's not easy. When we're putting trust in God and his timing, we're giving up control over our lives.
To be honest, that tends to make my stomach flop. Because at that moment what I'm saying is that what makes sense to me and what makes sense to the world around me no longer matters. I'm going to follow what God wants me to do.
And to be honest, when we do that people around us literally go nuts. You're in the middle of unchartered territory and suddenly everyone around you thinks they know exactly what you should or shouldn't be doing and start giving you advice about God's real calling on your life. (Because if you're facing struggles that must not be in God's plan for you, right? I hope you're picking up on the sarcasm there). It's happened to me more times than I can count over the last year. Maybe God made you sick so you would stop going to Uganda, keep the faith and still go to Uganda, get the perfect job, settle down and get married...
And oh my goodness to be honest, I sometimes imagine myself poking them in the eye. (I'm just being honest).
But seriously, isn't that what happens? (Not the eye poking, though if we're all being honest I think we might admit we've imagined the same thing at some point). We suddenly find ourselves in unexpected territory. We're facing this time of being patient, trusting God. As if that isn't hard enough, now we have to give up control of what the people around us think. And they're not always quiet about it. Which just sends us further into patience and trust. And so the cycle continues. And it wears on us.
But here's the thing:
When we're worn down to our thinnest, when we're trusting in God, waiting on Him, caring only about what He thinks - this is when He does His greatest work in us. This is when the Potter's clay is at its most moldable. And this is when He can form us into what He has created us to be.
And to be honest, that's exactly where I want my life to be - in the hands of the Potter.